Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Post that wasn't.

Hi. It's been a while. I know. Sorry.

I have had a bit of writer's block. Nothing funny has really been happening, and I'm kind of just doing my thing. Then something kind of big happened and I was upset and freaked out and worried but I didn't write about it because I was afraid. Then it didn't. And it was all sort of a fizzle and then I didn't know what to write. And now I feel sort of stuck.

So here it is. I'll just tell you, get it off my chest, and then I can go back to writing about how teething sucks (it really, really does), Rowan's baptism and the brunch we're having (this weekend), my sister and BIL's visit, and our Vermont trip for the BlumingWhiteSacks' wedding and to see my cousin and her family.

OK. So. I was in the shower on a Sunday morning, getting ready for church, and I felt a lump. Under my arm in the boob region. And it hurt. A lot.

Of course, it was Memorial Day weekend. No doc until Tuesday. And I got scared.

All the scenarios ran through my head. Dr. B couldn't really understand why I was so upset. "It's probably nothing," he said.

But all I could think was, "she won't remember me."

(I know, I know. Total overreaction.)

"Why do you do this? Why do you think about any possible bad thing that could happen? What good does it do?" he asked.

"I have to. I've been trained to. Mom. She trained me to think about it so if it ever happened, I'd be prepared," I answered. "And I was. When she died, I was the one who knew. Where she wanted to be buried, her favorite hymns, where the funeral should be, even the type of flowers to order. I didn't have to think." Yes, I am a bit of a doomsdayer, and superstitious, to boot. I won't wash our sheets, even if they really need it, when he's out of town. I know it's dumb. I also save his voicemails until he gets home. I don't talk about it, but it goes through my head. What I'd do, if I had to.

And so, I went to the doctor Tuesday morning, fully prepared to be told to have a mammogram, to get an awful diagnosis, to lose my hair from chemo, and on and on and on.

But, it's just a plugged duct. A few hot showers, some massage, an angle change and a very aggressive session with the breast pump, and I'm fine.

And thankful. For the teething, which does suck big time, but I am glad I'm here to be with her when she needs me. For the poopy diapers and the turds that fall on my bare foot. For the Cheerios in my sheets, the plastic toys I step on, the banana chunks on the floor, and the Cheezit crumbs at the bottom of my purse.

It's all worth it. And I want every minute.


Wendy said...

I'm so glad this worked out the way it has. Your mother wasn't the only one training her kids to plan for the worst. Mine did as well but not in the same way your mother did. Mine trained me for the worst to happen to me, not to her...

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Motherhood! You will STILL be worrying about all her needs in 30-40-50 yrs!! Yes even when she is in her thirties and has kids of her own you still worry and want to does not end! Like my Mom used to say...."you have to save it for the 'big stuff'!" I thought you were going to say it was a boil or infected cyst....have had that happen to a couple in our group. Not fun..glad it was something other than what you were imagining.

Vivi said...

I know, sweetie. I was the one who knew everything, too.


Mama Bear said...

Glad all is well, wish you would have shared with someone, we could have helped, maybe....
Isn't it funny how the baby teething reeks havoc on the mama's body? I'll never forget that fun stage.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're healthy! Several years before I had my son I found 2 lumps and had to get a mammogram and then excisional biopsy and they turned out benign. It was scary then (in my mid 20s) but I cannot imagine how it would be to go through that anxiety when you have a child. Again, I'm glad you're alright - keep taking care of yourself!

DeeAnn said...

Who knew you could be so thankful for a plugged duct, right?

And I'm with you on worrying about the worst happening. I'm the same way (only I have to wash the sheets when my hubby leaves b/c it's usually for weeks or months on end. can you imagine if I didn't?)

So happy your ok and things are looking up. Life has a funny way of helping us count our blessings.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...