Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Surrounded

Getting pregnant with Rowan was a miracle. Glorious, fabulous. Amazing. So wanted. Of course, it happened right when we didn't expect it, when we'd given up, when we were too busy to think about it. We were so lucky that everything went as well as it did (well, I consider a torn ACL, surgery, 4 months of puking, awful pain, physical therapy, and 29 hours of labor to be not so bad).

I'm hoping we can get lucky again.

It took me a while to get to this point. No, we're not pregnant, and haven't started trying again, but I finally got to the point where I think I am ready.

Then some bad things happened.

I'm not talking about the kids of other bloggers who died randomly and unjustly and so tragically. That was and is awful, yes. I wasn't a reader, so I wasn't invested myself, but the echoes were heard around the blogosphere.

No, but that same week, just after I had the realization that I was "ready", my friends lost their baby, just days after his official due date. He died in utero, and she had to go through labor and bury her child. This child that she didn't think she wanted to try for, until after she held my new baby for the first time. The child he had always dreamed of, a perfect son.

Then, another friend, someone from my high school class, wrote to me. He and his wife found their baby had severe heart defects and Downs Syndrome during a sonogram. They chose to end the pregnancy.

Dear God.

I've been trying to wrap my head and heart around this for weeks. I've thought, I've prayed, I've thought some more. I've talked with Dr. B. I've rejoiced in the healthy births of friends' and family's children. And then I looked at my little girl.

And I so want for her to have a brother or sister. She deserves as much love as we can give her in this life.

I am fearful. I am scared. Worried, anxious, you name it, I am feeling it. My age, the history of PCOS, my doctor's questions. The first pregnancy, gone in miscarriage. The months of grieving for our baby. The months of trying, the disappointment.

The ultimate question: what if that was it?

There are many things going on in our lives in the near future. Big trips coming up, plans, exciting things. These things I could use as excuses to put it off. But then I remember my birthday coming up, and I know I can't.

Soon, I think we'll start down the path to trying again.

Please, God. Please.

6 comments:

Wendy said...

Wishing you the best of luck and sending good and health and yes, healing thoughts doesn't cut it. I know. But I'll be doing all that from here anyway. I'm even a little jealous that you get to try!

;)

Mama Bear said...

Hooray! We would also love for Rowan to have a brother or sister, and for you and Jeff to be able to use your awesome parenting skills on another little Brownson.

Everything to do with a child is full of fear, worry and anxious moments, but if you never take the chance you never know the joy. And it is always worth the joy!

PutYourFlareOn said...

I think that these are all normal fears. And I believe that you and Jeff are destine to have another. You two have so much love to give.

Like you, I had these fears and I just waited for nature to take it's course and let it happen. And when we're in the busiest we've ever been is when it happened again for us.

Live life, my friend and worry not about the things you can't control. Scoop up that little angel of yours and hug and kiss her. And have fun "practicing" with your husband... :)

Let's Skype soon... I miss you!

The Bold Soul said...

At my age (lots older than you) I also have some of the same fears: what if we do get pregnant and miscarry, what if we do get pregnant and there's a problem and we have to terminate; what if we do get pregnant, get all the way to the "finish line" and there's a problem THEN. And also: am I really "ready" for motherhood? At almost-48 these are all valid concerns. And yet my intuition keeps telling me we're supposed to be trying for this baby anyway. It's totally insane that we're doing this under all the various circumstances (my age just being one major factor), but we are. So far we haven't gotten lucky but after only 4 months of trying that's not so bad. I don't have any answers; I just keep reminding myself that when I trust my intuition, it never lets me down, and then I can manage my fears more easily. Wouldn't it be so cool if we have a flurry of "blogger babies" going into 2010? So let's stop listening to other people's sad stories and focus on creating happy endings instead. We get what we focus on (Carl Jung said that, or some version thereof, and he was right).

laurenorange said...

Good luck and don't let worry hold you back from something that feels right.
I hesitate to say this because you didn't ask for this kind of information, but when we started trying for a second child and nothing was happening for a while a friend suggested the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" amd it totally helped me deal with my worries and feel better about the whole process. And I am pregnant, and so far so good.

sfgirl said...

Ronica -
I followed a link to you from Aimee's blog, and simply wanted to share that having 2 children is magic for me. Watching them share (or not, as the case may be at times), seeing them laugh together both with eyes bright, or have fun water time in the bath together. Having Max as an only child for a short time was glorious - and I had my own reservations about a second child, that are different than yours. 2, most of the time, is beyond amazing for us. I hope you find what feels peaceful and wondrous for you.

Phillippa

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